What Is a People Pleaser: How to Recognize It and Grow

A people pleaser is an individual who habitually puts other people’s needs, well-being, and happiness above their own, often to gain other people’s approval. Although those prone to people pleasing are often extremely kind individuals, this behavioral pattern can be very harmful, as it causes people to neglect themselves.

Read along to find out not only what a people pleaser is but also which Enneagram types are most likely to exhibit these traits and how to break this behavioral pattern.

What Is a People Pleaser? 5 Common Traits

A people pleaser is a person who consistently prioritizes other people’s needs, wishes, and preferences above their own. In other words, it’s someone who helps others and goes out of their way to make them happy at their own expense.

Below are some common traits and behaviors associated with the people pleaser personality:

#1. Difficulty Saying “No”

Saying “no” to other people can be extremely challenging for people pleasers, even when they feel uncomfortable, exhausted, or overwhelmed.

This difficulty setting boundaries often stems from the fear of disappointing others; those prone to people pleasing usually take on more responsibilities than they can handle because they don’t want to upset other people. Some of them also overextend themselves and neglect their own needs out of fear of appearing selfish.

#2. Seeking Approval and Validation

Instead of cultivating self-worth from within, people pleasers rely on external validation and approval to feed their self-esteem.

Simply put, how others perceive them determines their self-perception, making them dependent on other people’s opinions. And while compliments may boost their self-confidence, disapproval may feel like utter rejection to people pleasers. Since they care deeply about other people’s perception of them, they also usually struggle with anxiety and rumination.

#3. Avoiding Conflict at All Costs

There’s nothing that makes people pleasers more uncomfortable than conflict. As such, they go above and beyond to avoid it, suppressing their needs and feelings just to keep the peace.

Although their tendency to avoid confrontation may seem like an act of kindness on the surface, the truth is that it prevents them from showing up authentically. In relationships, people pleasers often go along with others just to make them happy, even when it leads to dishonesty, self-abandonment, and silent suffering.

#4. Putting Others’ Needs Above Their Own

Putting other people’s needs above their own is a tell-tale sign of a people pleaser, as those prone to this behavioral pattern believe that selflessness is the ultimate proof of love.

People pleasers give endlessly, without much (or any) regard for their own needs and well-being. They tend to go out of their way to please others because it helps them avoid conflict and increases the chances of gaining other people’s approval.

Unfortunately, this behavior can often backfire. Since not everyone can reciprocate their effort, it’s not uncommon for them to end up in situations where they’re being taken for granted.

#5. Fear of Rejection or Criticism

The concept of the fear of rejection is critical to fully understanding what a people pleaser is, as this behavioral pattern frequently stems from the fear of being disliked, judged, or abandoned.

Most people pleasers subconsciously believe that love must be earned, usually due to difficult childhood experiences. As such, they develop an anxious attachment style and overcompensate to ensure others accept them.

Because they’re sensitive to rejection, people pleasers also fear being criticized; they yearn to be seen as perfect and, by extension, worthy of love and acceptance.

People Pleasing vs. Kindness

It’s easy to confuse people pleasing and kindness, but they stem from drastically different places. While the former comes from the fear of rejection and disapproval, the latter is rooted in genuine compassion or love.

The table below outlines the key differences between people pleasing and kindness:

Now that you know what a people pleaser is, let’s discuss the consequences of being one in greater depth.

Consequences of People Pleasing

The most common consequences of people pleasing include burnout, resentment, identity loss, and a lack of genuine connection.

Here’s a more in-depth overview of these effects:

• Burnout. People pleasers struggle to set healthy personal boundaries, which causes them to neglect their own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Over time, this can completely drain their energy and mental resources, resulting in chronic fatigue and emotional exhaustion.
• Resentment. Although these individuals pride themselves on being selfless, they, too, want to feel seen and valued. As such, they can grow bitter and resentful when others fail to appreciate their generosity and sacrifice. It also doesn’t help that they’re prone to emotional suppression, which only makes their negative feelings fester.
• Loss of identity. People pleasers are attuned to other people’s needs to the point of losing touch with themselves. By constantly ignoring their own needs, repressing their emotions, and silencing their authentic voice, they morph into other people’s expectations instead of remaining true to themselves. Because of this, they often struggle to make decisions independently.
• Lack of connection. Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and authenticity, neither of which people pleasers are comfortable displaying. While they allow others to embody their true selves, they conceal their own true selves to maintain harmony. As a result, their relationships tend to lack mutual trust, emotional depth, and genuine connection.

People Pleasing and the Enneagram: Which Types Exhibit These Traits?

When it comes to the Enneagram personality framework, Types Two, Six, and Nine are most likely to exhibit traits and behaviors associated with people pleasing. Still, although those identifying with these core types or Enneagram wings are most susceptible to people pleasing, other personality types can also adopt such behaviors.

The Enneagram Type 1, for example, is concerned with doing the right thing, and their desire for correctness and perfection can sometimes develop into people pleasing. Type Three, on the other hand, may alter their behavior to impress others because they crave admiration.

Here’s a more detailed overview of the Enneagram types most prone to people pleasing:

Enneagram 2

The Enneagram Type 2, also known as The Helper, is compassionate, warm, and community-oriented.

While the generosity and empathy Twos extend to others are certainly genuine, people with this personality type often believe that love requires self-sacrifice. And because they yearn to be loved and accepted above all else, they frequently struggle with people pleasing, especially when they’re unhealthy.

Enneagram 6

The Enneagram Type 6 is responsible, security-oriented, and fiercely loyal. Still, while their loyalty is admirable, they are likely to depend on others for reassurance and approval.

They’re also prone to stress and anxiety, which is why they seek to maintain stability in their environment. Because they seek safety through belonging, they may adapt their behavior and opinions to other people’s expectations in an attempt to avoid conflict, leading to people pleasing.

Enneagram 9

The Enneagram Type 9 is calm, peace-seeking, and accepting. People with this personality type crave inner and outer peace and harmony more than anything else, which is precisely what drives their people-pleasing behaviors.

Nines fear conflict and confrontation, so they often refrain from expressing their opinions and desires. Their tendency to accommodate others can lead to passivity and identity loss, as the last thing they want is to disrupt the peace.

Since you’re now fully aware of what a people pleaser is, it’s time to discuss how you can stop being one and reconnect with your authentic self.

How to Grow and Stop Being a People Pleaser

To grow and stop being a people pleaser, it’s essential to learn how to set healthy boundaries with other people. Developing self-awareness and embracing self-care can also be very helpful for recovering people pleasers.

Below is an overview of the best strategies that can help you put an end to people-pleasing behaviors:

#1. Learn How to Set Boundaries

Setting healthy personal boundaries is key to overcoming people-pleasing behavioral patterns. Most people pleasers perceive assertiveness as a form of selfishness. However, in reality, honoring your needs and wishes can help you ensure you don’t drain your energy, allowing you to help others without sacrificing your own well-being.

Saying “no” can feel daunting for people pleasers. As such, it may be a good idea to start with softer boundaries. For instance, if someone asks for your help, you can respond with “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” instead of a strict “no.”

#2. Recognize the Triggers

Understanding the triggers of your people-pleasing tendencies can help you curb them. Raising your self-awareness alone can be very empowering, as it allows you to respond authentically instead of reacting impulsively and reverting to people-pleasing behaviors.

As such, it may be a good idea to keep a journal where you note down specific situations, people, or places that bring out people-pleasing behaviors in you.

#3. Embrace Conflict

Embracing conflict as a natural part of interpersonal relationships can help you become more comfortable with asserting yourself. First and foremost, it’s critical to reframe conflict and confrontation as a chance to improve your relationships, gain clarity, and grow rather than a threat.

Instead of remaining silent to keep the peace, practice expressing your opinions honestly and openly, even when it feels uncomfortable. This can help you build self-confidence and form stronger, more intimate connections with others.

#4. Practice Self-Care

If you’re a people pleaser, taking care of others likely feels natural to you, whereas self-care makes you feel selfish. However, you deserve to be taken care of just as much as others do. By practicing self-care, you can also develop self-love and self-compassion, which in turn can help you build a better relationship with yourself and treat yourself more kindly.

Remember that self-care isn’t only about your physical well-being; it’s also about prioritizing your emotional and mental health. Journaling, positive affirmations, meditation, gratitude, and similar practices can help you cultivate inner peace and joy.

#5. Reconnect With Yourself

People pleasing can make it easy to forget who you truly are, as it causes you to lose yourself in other people. Therefore, reconnecting with yourself is essential for overcoming it.

If you feel like you’ve lost your sense of self, consider spending more time in solitude, as it allows you to focus on yourself and makes room for self-reflection. Taking personality tests can also help you remember or discover your true, authentic self.

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Key Takeaways

By now, you should have a clear idea of what a people pleaser is, so it’s time to wrap up our article with a brief summary:

• Some common traits and behaviors of people pleasers include difficulty saying “no,” conflict avoidance, and the tendency to seek external validation.
• People pleasing can lead to resentment, burnout, identity loss, and a lack of connection.
• While all Enneagram types can struggle with this behavioral pattern, Types Two, Six, and Nine are most likely to be people pleasers.
• Learning how to set healthy boundaries, embracing conflict, and practicing self-care are among the most effective strategies for recovering from people pleasing.

What Is a People Pleaser FAQ